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One of the big challenges for both educators and parents is dealing with issues of discipline. Before we look at the reasons why children misbehave and what needs to be done to ensure self - disciplined children ,let us look at the differences between discipline and punishment. Sh Abdalla Idris from Canada reminded us that whilst discipline changes behaviour, punishment suppresses behaviour. Discipline is defined as the ability to train oneself to do those things that should be done and resist those things that should be avoided.
What are the differences between discipline and punishment:
1. Purpose: Discipline teaches and guides, while punishment penalizes and inflicts pain.
2. Approach: Discipline is proactive, while punishment is reactive.
3. Focus: Discipline focuses on the behaviour, while punishment focuses on the child.
4. Tone: Discipline is often calm and gentle, while punishment is often harsh and angry.
5. Outcome: Discipline leads to self-regulation, while punishment leads to compliance.
6. Method: Discipline uses positive reinforcement, while punishment uses negative consequences.
7. Relationship :Discipline strengthens relationships, while punishment can damage them.
8. Timing: Discipline is immediate and consistent, while punishment can be delayed and inconsistent.
9. Goal: Discipline aims to teach responsibility, while punishment aims to inflict pain.
10. Impact: Discipline promotes self-discipline, while punishment can lead to resentment.
In short, discipline is about teaching and guiding, while punishment is about penalizing and controlling.
It is important to understand the reasons why children misbehave so that you can have a positive impact when disciplinary issues arise.
Why do children misbehave?
- Attention seeking
- Testing boundaries
- Boredom
- Hunger or tiredness
- Over-stimulation
- Imitation
- Frustration or anger
- Lack of communication skills
- Seeking independence
- Copying others
- Developmental stages: They're still learning and growing, and some stages are messier than others
- Lifestyle factors: Too much screen time, not enough sleep, or unhealthy food can contribute to crankiness
- Learning difficulties: Struggling in school can lead to frustration and acting out
- Emotional regulation: They haven't mastered managing their feelings yet, so meltdowns happen
- Modelling behavior: They learn from what they see, so if they're exposed to negative behaviour, they might mimic it
- Social issues: Trouble with friends or feeling left out can cause problems
- Trauma or stress: Some kids deal with really tough stuff, and it affects their behaviour
- Lack of clear boundaries: If rules are inconsistent or unclear, kids might push limits
- Seeking attention from parents: Sometimes, any attention is better than none, right?
- Physical discomfort: Pain, discomfort, or medical issues can make them irritable
- Overpraise or entitlement: Too much praise can create a sense of entitlement, leading to behavioral issues
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Here are some tips:
At Home:
1. Set clear expectations and rules
2. Use positive language and tone
3. Focus on the behaviour, not the child
4. Use natural consequences
5. Offer choices and involve them in problem-solving
6. Practice active listening and validate their feelings
7. Use physical touch like hugs to calm them down
8. Model good behaviour yourself
At School:
1. Establish a positive and respectful classroom environment
2. Use non-punitive discipline methods
3. Focus on restorative practices
4. Encourage empathy and self-reflection
5. Involve students in setting classroom rules
6. Use positive reinforcement and rewards
7. Provide support and accommodations for students with special needs
8. Communicate with parents and caregivers
Common principles:
1. Stay calm and patient
2. Be consistent and fair
3. Focus on teaching and guiding
4. Show empathy and understanding
5. Encourage self-regulation and self-awareness
Some specific strategies you can try:
- "Time-ins" instead of time-outs
- "I" statements instead of "you" statements
- Problem-solving together
- Offering apologies and making amends
- Practising mindfulness and self-care
Schools are often unsure as to what the discipline policy should be.In my travels I was very impressed with the merit/ demerit system that was implemented in Perth ,Australia at a Muslim School..It is based on the Islamic tradition of replacing your bad deed with a good dead.Learners have opportunities to redeem themselves.
Here are a few book recommendations on discipline:
- The Whole-Brain Child,by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: A great resource for understanding child development and discipline.
- No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson*: Practical strategies for calm and effective discipline.
- Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen*: A classic in the field, with practical tips for parents and teachers.
- The Discipline Book by William Sears and Martha Sears*: A comprehensive guide to discipline and child development.
- Restorative Discipline by Lorraine Stutzman
Amstutz and Judy H. Mullett: A great resource for schools looking to implement restorative practices.
- Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax.
These books offer a range of perspectives and strategies for discipline at home and at school.
Finally ,it is not fortuitous that our beloved Prophet never beat any child.
Was - Salaam
Edris Khamissa
www.edriskhamissa.com
Newsletter 5
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Source: received through WhatsApp message.
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